Saturday, November 24, 2012

Tomorrow's Troubles

Thanksgiving came and went.  We had a good day with friends and food.  I cooked the most un-stressful Thanksgiving meal ever.  I didn't have one disagreement with my husband in what usually comes out in the stress of the preparation.  Everything came together quite easily.  

As I've been saying, this is not my first serious surgery, and this is the third time I have faced extended bed rest.  This time feels so different.  I don't even feel like I care about the fact that I will have to check out of my life for 4-6 weeks.  In that way past experience has taught me that all will be taken care of and life will be able to survive without me.  I'm not even being as unbelievably picky as the last time having prepared all of my own meals in advanced to make certain I had the perfect nutritional sustenance to recover the best and fastest.  That's ironic as I have more dietary restrictions by far then I did the last time.  Here's where I stand. . . 

Part of me is so numb to the excessive crying, the black cloud of "why me", and just so over this whole situation all together. . . that I'm ready to move on with my life.  I want to skip this part, get my house finished, and get our family started. 

Ultimately I do not want to finish the hard part of this time in my life.  It's like the multitude of "projects" I have in my house.  I get to a point of difficulty.  I actually try several angles, and all to often give up for a time.  

I realize major surgery and the forever inability to have biological children of my own does not look like it should relate to home improvement projects but it's pretty similar   There's a lot of gutting out the old stuff, trying and failing multiple ways of fixing the problem, seeking wise advice, giving up on what seems hopeless, looking up written instructions, and then lastly having a solution that only could have come from God.

I recently read a blog post from Jennifer Dyer  She wrote, "I wanted tomorrow’s words today, tomorrow’s trouble today."  

Wow how that statement is so true for me.  It's been true for me too long.  I want to just skp the hard part and have tomorrow's words today.  I wan the benefits of life's lessons which with Gods' help would produce a wise and wonderful future.  Except that I want it now without the troubles, the trials, and the actual homework it takes to have that wisdom in times of trials, that knowledge to address a new trial.   

I Certainly do not want the second part first.  I do Not want tomorrow's trouble today.  Let's be honest I could not actually handle tomorrow's trouble today.  I've thought of that a lot.  If I had been told in 2009 that my only option left was a hysterectomy, I know I would not have been able to handle it.  I had high dreams for my family but no where in there was the "no, never" of the biological aspect of it.  We've always wanted to foster and adopt but just as real as that is so was the dream of the biological saggy diapered child in my heart and mind (last blog post)  

Matthew 6:34 ESV

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.  Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.  I would definitely agree with that!  I do not want tomorrow's troubles on top of what I'm already dealing with today.  I can't imagine that plate full!  Today I will pray and work with God on these troubles and allow myself the time to deal with them, so when tomorrow's come - I will at least have today's taken care of.  

Thankfully still learning through His Loving Transformation. . .  

1 comment:

  1. Sarah,
    Thank you so very much for your words on my blog. The grief of not being able to conceive can feel like you are choking sometimes. I know. I understand.

    Your words encouraged me greatly. I have tears in my eyes even writing this now. I wish for you and for me that grief would not be something that defines us. I am so sad for you to have this surgery right before Christmas without the joy of children lighting up your life.

    I believe you will be a mother through adoption if that is what you pursue. But I know that even 5 kids later, they can not heal what was taken from you. It is not their job to do so. But I assure you, your children that God brings to you will very much feel like your OWN. I do not care how my children came into the world...they were always meant to be mine.

    Also, It struck me as a blessing you said you felt like my sister through my blog. My only sister in this world is named Sara. We don't have a wonderful sister-bond though, so how funny that you, Sarah feel as though we do. That is remarkable to me how God knits hearts together.

    Precious blessings to fall upon you this season, friend.